#70

#70, Conway's, Dublin

The authentic Irish pub, like the famous original New York City pizza, is an experience sought far and wide. It beckons to the avid guidebook thumber like a holy grail; it promises, in a very pre-packaged and safe way, to deliver exactly what one expects from it, nothing more and nothing less. To some extent, we're all guilty of this. We go to a place to get a certain experience: a sidewalk cafe in Paris, a glass-blowing factory in Venice, a distillery in Scotland, a brothel hash bar den of iniquity wooden shoe factory in Amsterdam. The experience feels a bit like picking up Value Meal #3 from the drive-thru window, but let's face it: our vacation days are scant and as much as we'd like to linger for months and write uplifting memoirs about eating, praying, and loving, most of us have to cram. This is why we laugh at the person who goes to a McDonald's in Paris. (I was in my twenties! I was broke! There, I've said it.) This is also why the clever advertising people who tell us what we want and why we want it sculpt signs to make life easier for us, placing them in strategic locations throughout cities that say reassuring things like "Dublin's Oldest Pub", "Famous Original Ray's Pizza", "Birthplace of the Blues", or the ponderous "Where the heck is Wall Drug, South Dakota?" which I've seen in places as far away as Holland quite near a wooden shoe factory. We're told where to get the archetypal slice or perfect pint and we go there. Simple, right? Except when it isn't.

Now looking for authenticity in an Irish pub sign that is there solely to claim its authenticity is a fool's errand in the first place. But when I noticed the bold claim "Dublin's Oldest Pub" underneath the 70 of Patrick Conway's on Parnell Street, I paused. The Brazen Head, as far as I knew, had sunk its claws into that singular claim. Indeed, I did a bit of research and it would seem that history sides with the Brazen Head. True, Conway's was established in 1745, which is ancient in New York years, but the Brazen Head was serving the good stuff even before the liquor licenses started in 1635. Then if you want to really stretch it, evidence shows that there was a tavern on the Brazen Head's current site at 20 Bridge Street as far back as the 12th century. Sorry, Conway's, but in my book, the Brazen Head wins.

Back to ye olde 2009. Conway's appears to be closed. It's facing a slew of legal battles and is threatened to be swallowed up forever into the belly of a shiny new shopping center scheme on the site of the old Carlton Cinema. With that fate in mind, we'll forgive them their dodgy "oldest pub" claim. Eulogies for the beloved pub are already being written . But perhaps nothing was quite so alarming as when I found this ill-translated "fact" about Conway's. Readers, pay close attention:

Established since 1745, Conway's is one of the last surviving pubs in Dublin.

And you thought our recession was bad! Here Conway's stands, one of the last surviving pubs in Dublin, and the damn thing's been boarded up for months. I really do need a drink.

Now I've never not gone into a place because it wasn't the oldest pub or the famous original Ray's pizza or whatever. But I do find the modesty refreshing in a place that claims to serve "probably the best coffee in Dublin" or "probably the best pizza in Dublin". Or take Carlsberg (if you must). This, of course, has been "probably the best beer in the world" for as long as I can remember. You can thank Saatchi and Saatchi for the false modesty behind the Carlsberg campaign, but in the others, I see humility and humbleness. I think to myself, I will probably try this someday. I don't expect to see any "probably an authentic Irish pub" or "maybe this is an original Chicago hot dog, but we're not entirely sure" ad campaigns aiming at today's consumers. It's probably for the best.